Your Dad Is Dead
There is no easy way to tell a child that their parent has died. The younger the child the more difficult for them to process what has happened, especially if it is their first experience of the death of a significant other and they don’t have the verbal skills to express what they are thinking and feeling. So, what does this dreaded sentence mean to them. First of all, the child will know from the emotion and tension around them that this is a bad news story. Then they will have to sift through all the confusion around them, adults talking, crying and weird phrases, “I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad”.
Twenty plus years ago I miscarried and my four- year- old nephew heard adults talking about the fact I had lost my yet-to-be-born-baby. Luckily, he was comfortable enough to ask the question, where did you leave your baby that you lost it? “How much more confusing when an adult says to a young child, I am sorry to hear you lost your dad or Mom”
Young children, seldom cry immediately. They don’t grasp the meaning of the loss. Older children, adolescents and adults understand the permanency of loss. Young children can’t anticipate the implication of never seeing a parent again or consider the changes that are about to happen. It takes time for a young child to grasp that mom or Dad or a sibling is never coming home. What they do experience pretty soon is how their life changes as a result of the death. First the intense emotion of the surviving parent. Then the rituals of funerals, celebrations of life, burials, ashes. Much of this happening around the child without much consideration of the child’s needs.
To be fair a child is sometimes taken to a counselor or play therapist, which is helpful in that it gives the child a space where he or she is given a chance to share their experience or ask questions. For many it is too soon for them to fully benefit, and they will need to return from time to time.
The biggest mistake anyone can make is to assume that a very young child is not experiencing the trauma or not missing their parent, simply because they don’t have the verbal skills to express that loss or trauma. A close friend of mine was two and a half when his biological mother died. No one ever took the time to talk to him. As he grew up, he was aware of an irrational sense of rage when he didn’t know what was happening, when he was in a situation where he could see something has happened but he didn’t know what it was. One can only imagine the absolute confusion and trauma for a toddler who was used to a nurturing mother, following her around the house as she did her chores and in a second, she was no longer available to him. Have you ever taken a favorite toy from a toddler and experienced their tantrum, how much more devastating the loss of the person who feeds you, changes you, keeps you safe, plays with you, recognizes your achievements. There is NO way that ANY child no matter how young is unaffected by the loss of a parent.
So, if a child doesn’t understand the concept of death how can it be explained. It may need to be explained repeatedly at different times. To start off with, use the language and concepts they understand. Daddy gone. Daddy not coming back. We all sad.
Pre-schoolers, particularly those who have had pets will understand the concept of objects that are alive and those that aren’t. An “object” that is alive can move, it grows, it needs nurturing. Animals and Humans have a heartbeat. A very helpful tool is a stethoscope, listening to a heartbeat will help a young child to understand what it means to be alive or not.
Once the child understands that when a person dies the heart stops, another layer of questions emerge that need to be carefully answered. “Mommy was sick”. Children immediately connect sickness and death and many become fearful of becoming ill themselves or if the surviving parent becomes ill.
Children who have lost one parent need a lot of reassurance that right now the other parent is healthy and has no intention of leaving them. It’s tempting for the surviving parent to promise that they are going to make old bones. Not a good plan.
Recently a pre-teen lost his dad to suicide. His parents had separated and his dad was battling addiction. This boy had existing emotional struggles. His Mom panicked and told him initially that Dad had died in his sleep. An understandable predicament but not wise to hide the truth. Four days later she told him the truth in an emotionally safe space. It is very important that the child can trust the surviving parent or caregiver. In another situation a mother wanted some time before she told her children that their dad had died. Sadly, she never anticipated that other family members would post on social media about the death of her husband before she had a chance to talk to her children. Children, where possible need to hear the news from a trusted adult as soon as possible.
Very often, it is only post the memorial that the reality of the loss sinks in for children. Their lives change significantly. Most often there is a change in the financial standing of the family. Mom may need to work if she hadn’t before. One income family instead of two. Sometimes there is a move from the family home or a change of school. Child care tasks need to be taken over, sometimes by the surviving parent or by another family member or an au pair, nanny, housekeeper, older sibling or tutor.
As a young adult, one of my friends who we, as the friendship group considered to be an ideal mother and housekeeper, committed suicide. Her two little boys had to get used to other people doing all the tasks she had done lovingly and beautifully. A family who had been self sufficient and private suddenly had their lives exposed and people they didn’t really know lifting to and from school, assisting with homework etc. No matter how kind and nurturing Aunty X is it is NOT your mother who understands you better than anyone else.
The surviving parent is catapulted into their own grief and bereavement and all the changes in circumstances which means that they are emotionally depleted, processing a huge loss and transition while simultaneously needing to parent a child or children in crisis. Even for the most emotionally stable parent this is a huge challenge and children often find themselves having to nurture the surviving parent or their siblings.
Children, like adults need time to process what has happened. Time to understand what death is and what it means for them to lose a parent. Children need space to question, to rage, to withdraw, to cry and to adapt to the many changes. It is helpful to find them someone outside of the home who they can trust and who isn’t directly affected by the loss to journey with them through the first year at least as they learn to adjust to life without their parent.
In time, the surviving parent may heal and enter a new partnership, that is a topic for another blog. A child loses a parent. Hopefully the wound heals enough for them to lead a happy, wholesome life. However, they can never replace a birth parent. Hopefully there will be people who step up and do the parent job, but no one can ever be the parent. That is an empty space forever.
In Summary then, what do children who have lost a parent need? Everything an adult who has lost a loved one needs: time, understanding; honesty; comfort; empathy; in a language they understand at a pace they can cope with. Age doesn’t determine how little or how much care is needed when a parent dies. Age simply determines the way care is rendered. So, when you are faced with caring for a child who has lost a parent be guided by what has helped you in times of loss, that is a good start.
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Disclaimer:
The content provided in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns regarding your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare provider.
