There Was No Fighting

Parenting is a journey with very few foolproof guidelines. For every bit of popular advice along comes a situation that counteracts the suggestion. Some parents have no control over their couple conflict and there is no way their children can hide from the evidence that this is a troubled relationship, the message is LOUD AND CLEAR.

Then there are the parents who try their best to protect their charges from the reality that they are unhappy. Conflict takes place after bedtime, behind closed doors, outside away from the children or in the car. Sometimes the unhappiness is the kind that doesn’t necessarily result in arguments. The parents do an excellent job of co-parenting and creating a united front. Only their closest confidantes are aware that this is an unhappy, unfulfilled relationship. Until one day a separation is announced, and the children are devastated and shocked. What they are being told about conflict between their parents or an unhappy friendship between Mom and Dad is completely incongruous with their lived experience. It is not always as simple as Mom and Dad protected them and kept unhappiness under wraps. It does happen that one sibling would be more sensitive than the others, or there are children that feel the tension but disassociate and tell themselves the story that all is fine.

The disbelief for some children that their parents have separated is SO huge that they completely block the conflict. Generally, these children look for another reason to blame, and they generally align themselves with the parent who seems the most fragile. These children are unable to understand the complexities of adult relationships. They cannot comprehend that mom has left Dad, despite the accumulative stress, conflict and broken relationship. They are angry with the parent who has after a long struggle drawn a line in the sand and chosen to break free. The child cannot comprehend that the more fragile of the two parents did enough to warrant the break up and that nothing more can be done to rescue or fix the marriage relationship.

I guess it’s a bit like driving in a beloved family car that on the surface is reliable, passengers are successfully taken from A to B. One day, however the accumulative damage of not being cared for, serviced regularly and overloaded beyond its capacity breaks down on the side of the road. The passengers are devastated.

It’s unclear what the answer is. Do children need to be made aware of conflict? There is a lot to be said for children witnessing conflict and problem solving, but many couples do not have that capacity. Or the problems are complex, addiction, adultery, criminal- behavior, parents who married young or were expecting a baby and had the best of intentions of making the marriage work.

There is no value to screaming and fighting in front of children simply so they know there is conflict. There is also no value in giving a child loads of information about a parent who is struggling in one way or another. The best is to give children time, prepare them that the marriage is struggling before you make the final decision. Give them time to recover from the shock. Avoid defensiveness. Try avoid the blame game. Tell them adult relationships are difficult for them to grasp. Reassure them that you are both sad that the relationship hasn’t worked and that they are loved and you will both try your best to make things easier for them, but for now we are not going to blame anyone. The story will become clearer over time. Remove the burden they may be carrying to fix the relationship. And, of course listen out for any clues that they feel responsible in some way for the break up. Reassure them that although their parents are hurt right now, they will do their best to be good parents.

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Disclaimer:
The content provided in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns regarding your mental or physical health, please consult a qualified healthcare provider.